FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Editorial Contact:
Mister OnePebble
PRO, formerly CBS
Phony: +1 555 555 1111
Faxen: +1 234 555 6789
Email:
onepebble@mac.roxTwoRocks and MacYoda purchase Emu with lunch money after months of Creative stock transactionsSilicone Hills, NV - April 1, 2009 - Musicians and audio producers around the globe were stunned today when it became known that the (in)famous Mister TwoRocks and the elusive Master MacYoda had been secretly saving their lunch money and investing it in Creative stock options over the course of the past three months. After countless secret transactions, the Creative stock price finally dropped below the 0.01 yen mark. That's when Mister TwoRocks and Master MacYoda made their big play. They now own 100% of the former Creative subsidiary Emu.
Rumors that the RMS Creatanic sank only minutes later have not been officially confirmed, yet, but are most likely true, as several former Creatanic CEOs (Crazy Egomaniacal Ogres) have been spotted fighting over life vests after Mister TwoRocks and Master MacYoda took it upon themselves to use "the Force" to pry those fat bonuses from the CEOs greedy fingers.
Says Mister TwoRocks: "They thought they could pull a fast AIG on us. Well, they were wrong. Master MacYoda has trained me well. I merely had to flip one finger -- the middle finger of my right hand -- to snatch those fat koffers from their trembling hands."
Comments Master MacYoda: "Yes. Come far my young apprentice has. Snatching fat koffers from greedy CEOs with only one finger impressive is."
It has not been disclosed, yet, how much moola was found in those corporate koffers, as the recount is still ongoing, but Mister TwoRocks said this much: "Well, we got our lunch money back. And then some. More than enough to invest heavily and rebuild the company from the ground up."
As one of the first acts of the new owners, the whole (so-called) creative staff was let go, effective immediately.
Explains Mister TwoRocks: "We had some secret meetings with the people from the R&D department. It became apparent to us very quickly that those fine people were the heart and soul of the company. They still cared -- and care -- very deeply about creating fantastic audio gear for the everyman who cannot afford to rent recording studios at rates of $50,000/hour and up."
"However, the deeper we dug, the clearer it became that the Creative folks that they got stuck with were only really 'creative' when it came to saving a few bucks here and there, in all the wrong places."
Asked to give a few examples, Mister TwoRocks furrowed his brow for a moment. After a long sigh, he said: "Well, eliminating customer phone support in the U.S., for example. Handing that one employee the pink slip and saving his meager salary may have looked good on the Creative bean counters' balance sheets. But nobody can put a number on the losses in sales that decision caused!"
"And then quietly stopping sponsorship of the 'Member of the Month' price for the mighty fine folks at the Production Forums who have been -- and still are -- picking up the slack for Emu in the support department? Without saying a word, by simply ignoring prize requests from the respective MotM winners? I'm still stumped by the audacity. Or maybe it was just ignorance. Can't really say."
And slamming his hand on the mixing desk in front of him, causing a 7.8 quake on the Richter scale, he added:
[144dB]"But that's all gonna change, starting immediately!"[/144dB]After the assembled pool of journalists had climbed back into their chairs, one of them asked the question that was on everybody's mind:
"So, what's gonna change, Mister TwoRocks?"
"Well, a whole lot. So much, in fact, that we've decided to rebrand to reflect those many changes."
Chimes in Master MacYoda: "Rebrand we will, yes. Branding iron in fire already is."
Asked whether Mister TwoRocks and Master MacYoda had already decided on a brand-new brand name, Master MacYoda surprised everybody by bursting into laughter, not able to contain himself for several minutes. After marginally regaining his composure, he splurted out: "Going from 'Emu' to 'Ostrich' Young TwoRocks suggested. Much to learn about brand naming he has."
Adds Mister TwoRocks: "Okay, okay... I was just trying to lighten the mood. We actually have already agreed on a real new brand name. May I reveal it, Master MacYoda?"
After a brief nod from wise, old Master MacYoda, Young Grasshopper TwoRocks showed that his 10+ years of working in public relations and advertising were not for nothing by revealing the new brand that will rock the audio engineering world in the coming years:
Ma©®oxOne of the present journalists later reported that during the stunned silence that followed, Mister TwoRocks was strutting across the stage like John Travolta (or maybe Steven Jobs) with a big smile on his face.
After both Mister TwoRocks and Master MacYoda had left the building (like Elvis), TwoRocks' former CBS (Chief Beer Shlepper) and Ma©®ox' new PRO (Perfect Recreational Obermeister), Mister OnePebble, elaborated further regarding the upcoming changes:
"First of all, we are going to bring free phone support back -- via Skype. Doesn't cost us a penny, and the sound quality is so much better than over traditional land lines. We've already hired some staff, but not just that (and I know that some people out there will be jumping with joy when I tell you this): they also are fluent in JMailian! If you only speak some very rudimentary English, and JMailian is your native tongue -- rest assured that you can ask your questions in JMailian, and our tech support people will understand you. Just add
Ma©®ox.Rocks! to your Skype contacts, and help will be just one mouse click away!"
"Speaking of JMailian: the manuals of all new products will be released in JMailian, as well. And we're already working on translating the manuals of previous products, too. JMailian is such a beautiful language... we just thought it would be the right thing to do to bring it back on a massive scale."
Asked about news in the hiring/firing department, Mister OnePebble stated: "Well, all the Creative people -- who turned out to be anything but creative -- have already been chased off the premises with a 12-gauge shotgun. Elmer Fudd helped us with that."
"Plus, we've already rehired some of the good people who left the company in frustration when the Creatanic influence became unbearable. Among others, we could convince the programmers who wrote the original, mostly rock-solid Proteus and Emulator code bases to come back and clean up the mess of the latest Emu-Later. The 'copy protection from hell' (CPfH) has already been removed from the code base, and the rolling-in of those 20+ gigabytes of sounds that were promised back in 07 when the product was still called X2 Platinum -- also nick-named X 2.5 by some people -- is underway."
"We've already begun pulling the ill-fated Emu-Later from the market, and it will be replaced very shortly -- like, early this afternoon -- by the new
Emu-NOW-NOW-NOW, or
Emu-NOW³, as we like to abbreviate it. We extend our sincere apologies to everybody who purchased the full version of the Emu-Later at the full outlandish price. You will all receive an
Emu-NOW³ in exchange, plus free upgrades for life, plus free drinks for life at Club Humbucker. That's the least we can do."
Asked about further product specs and features of the new
Emu-NOW³, Mister OnePebble explained: "Removing the CPfH from the code base has freed up 99.9% of the computer resources the Emu-Later was consuming. Because of that, we can now offer real 256-voice polyphony while at the same time lowering CPU utilization for that by a full 90%. Therefore, it will easily run on that trusty ole 8088 PC that's currently collecting dust in your attic."
"Speaking of removing the CPfH: we're really turning over a new leaf with the all-new Ma©®ox company. There won't be any DRM (= Dirty Rotten Mess) of any kind in any of the Ma©®ox products, and if you have, for example, one of those Proteus or Emulator products that give you that confusing 'streaming engine could not be initialized' error message, you can trade it in for the new
Emu-NOW³ -- no charge."
According to Mister OnePebble, a host of other new products will be released under the new Ma©®ox brand in the next few weeks.
_______________
Ma©®ox is a 100% lunch money-funded, privately owned company, dedicated to premium audio gear at 2Rocks-bottom prices, with 2Rocks-solid device drivers and fantabulous software instruments without any DRM (Dirty Rotten Mess)
Masterminds behind -- and sole owners of -- the company that rose like a Phoenix from the ashes of a former Creatanic subsidiary in 2009 are Mister TwoRocks and Master MacYoda, a.k.a. the two
Infinitely
Endearing
Electrical
Engineers (IEEE). Both born in 1394, they are oftentimes simply referred to as IEEE1394.
Mister TwoRocks is (in)famous for his incurable, hyperactive goofball gene and is certified n.u.t.s. (
naturally
uninhibited &
totally
silly). Master MacYoda knows his stuff and speaks in a strange backwards manner.
Headquarters of the Ma©®ox company are located in the Silicone Hills, NV (Neverland). The Stumbling Bee®Bunnies³ have been exclusively signed to perform as the Ma©®ox house band at Club Humbucker (located on the same premises) every night.
Two®ocks Powe® Pilsne® -- proud sponsor of all concerts of The Stumbling Bee®Bunnies³ -- is always on tap. (Plus, there's some perfectly chilled Kokanee -- private reserve -- for the Bear.)
